He had wanted to get a blanket that Gray was sitting on it and tried to push his brother (and me) out of the way to get it, so I told him he couldn't have it.
He went in the office and later showed me the sign. I was floored. He has never (and in my ideal world never would) said those words to me or even thought them, that I know of.
Now I have to interject that it's probably not coincidental that his cousin recently wrote that in her journal and we were over at their house last week. I haven't asked him if that's what made him think to do that and I don't know if he saw his cousin's message or heard my sister telling us about the incident.
But back to the big reveal. He held up the sign and I looked at and wanted to cry and in a split second I decided that though I've never cried in front of my kids because I've not wanted to upset them, maybe it would be good for him to see how much those words hurt. And before I knew it, a sob escaped.
And he laughed. He laughed--I mean belly laughed--and kept telling me I was kidding, because after all, I'd only ever pretended to cry. I couldn't possibly be crying for real. Even the tears didn't stop his giggles and I sent him upstairs.
He returned shortly and quietly stole away the sign and returned it, with the "hate" crossed out and "luv" replacing it. I still don't think he quite understood.
I told him that he really hurt my feelings and he said, "Oh."
I told him that those words made my whole day really sad...because they did. And I felt like he should be impacted and he should understand that he shouldn't just say "I hate you" because he's mad.
He gave a little, squeaky, half-hearted, "Sorry" and maybe another "Oh." Minutes later he was laughing and playing with his brother in the other room and though I know he doesn't really hate me, I was somehow still feeling wounded.
Guess that's the thing about words. Whether you really mean them or not, once they come out, you can't ever take them back.
4 comments:
Good thing your name isnt "Momy" :) Thanks for sharing the good & the bad of parenthood. I LUV MOMY :)
I empathize, Hols...can't believe you've never cried in front of your kids! Man-I've cried countless times in front of them, including the day I found Carly's hate note of course. You must have more self-control for sure...
Sorry if it was Carly's example that drove Joshua to do that, by the way...ain't parenthood grand?
I don't hate Joshua's Momy. Carly's either.
Oh Holly. I am so sorry that happened. ((((HUGS)))))) Being a parent is so hard. Especially when it cuts to the heart. I immeidately thought that he must be very secure in your love and feel safe, otherwise he wouldn't be able to communicate these feelings. At least he's sharing his feelings. And as we know feelings change and they are not truth. I think you did a super job handeling a very tough situation and for the record....I LUV Joshua's Momy too!
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